Where My Girls At? (No, Seriously, Where Are They?)

25 Sep

Child Idol

When I was a little boy, my family members, especially mom, grandmas, and other female members, got in the habit of telling anyone who would listen (and those who wouldn’t) that I would one day become a ladykiller. “Look at those eyes,” they would say. “Why, he’ll be married before his older brother” (who is significantly older). And silly though their exuberant encomiums were to my precocious ears, they somehow persisted, even into the troubled teen years when the wheat is separated from the chaff with the jagged thresher of social order and reality slaps you around for fun.

Fast forward two decades, and their compliments now sound like feeble charity, if not downright fraudulent. You lied to me, Mom, you lied! On the eve of the holy day of Atonement, when the power of history and guilt compel even infidels like yours truly to refrain from casting aspersions on the ones we love, I cannot but look back on their pollyannish prophecies and shake my head. What the FUCK? Where are all those conquered hearts?

Here I am, thirty-two, somehow miraculously single, blogging about my online dating misadventures—the short victories and crushing defeats. Small bubbles of evanescent joy popping at the surface of a cauldron boiling up with disappointment. Has Cupid’s arrow missed so many times, piercing friends and foes alike in his eternal crossfire with fate? Where is that lothario spirit the parents had been hinting at for so many years? Am I to join the Hall of Shame along with the other legendary busts of my time—Greg Oden, Michael Olowokandi, and Darko Milicic? Where is that kavorka?  What empty curse is this? What unfulfilled promise?

No one has a way of accounting for the future. The child who hears his parents boast of wildly unrealistic feats must one day take responsibility for his own life and his own identity—warts and all—and accept what he is and what he is not. He must navigate the inimical terrain of dating and relationships and all the bullshit they introduce—personalities, awkwardness, infatuations, attraction, availability, rejection, chemistry, and not least of all, timing—without learning to hate everyone who doesn’t give him his way while gaining the confidence to push aside anything that gets into it. He must never forget how good it felt when it was really good and embrace it when it comes again. And he must keep going, because life does not stop for whiners.

Whatareyagonnado? I look back on my twenties, most of which were spent fretting about what was to come. And, you know what? Things aren’t too bad. As my brother once said, “You still haven’t made any major mistakes.” Sometimes that seems hard to believe, but then I’ll wake up, find a tray full of peanut shells on my bed, and don’t feel the least bit guilty about it. Sure, in the back of my mind, I keep hoping my scot-free days of singledom will one day soon be behind me, and I’ll suck up the last incriminating shreds of bacheloresque indiscretions with my cordless hand vac, but that won’t stop me from enjoying my freedom while I have it. One day soon I’ll happily hang the chains of coupledom on their familiar grooves and swing them as I whistle down the street. And then, suddenly, my parents won’t be liars anymore. After all, one mom’s ladykiller is another woman’s lovable dork.

8 Responses to “Where My Girls At? (No, Seriously, Where Are They?)”

  1. Date XS April 18, 2013 at 4:58 pm #

    Never give up on love!!

    • Anonymous May 9, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

      YOU shut your stupid bitchmouth too! It’s jerks like you spouting idiotic platitudes like “never give up on love” who keep guys like Datestable mired in the hopelessness of wishing for a perfect relationship and a ridiculously romanticized ideal of human interaction that doesn’t exist!
      You only encourage him to cling to a delusion that only him more the longer he holds onto it; you are not helping.

      People who pine miserably for an ideal rather than nut up and face reality deserve all the misery they get, and then some.

      • Anonymous May 9, 2013 at 8:58 pm #

        “only *hurts* him more the longer he holds onto it”
        Bitch can’t type.

  2. Anonymous May 9, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

    LOL, this is a parody, right? It has to be! Well, if anything, this post illuminates why women can’t stand you and don’t want to fuck you. It’s because you’re a whiny little mama’s boy who’s been quite erroneously led to believe that women are supposed to fall down at your feet and give you everything you want. Sorry kiddo, we aren’t your mom. I hope this clears up some of your dating confusion.

  3. Anonymous May 9, 2013 at 8:44 pm #

    Okay dude, bitchmode off for a second: you’ve made it to 32 being single, and the only thing you want out of life is to make the same stupid mistake as everyone else and screw up your freedom by getting in some bullshit relationship?
    You’re pining for something that NOBODY WANTS when they have it, and if you got it, you’d be just like them and you wouldn’t want it either!
    That is both the saddest and the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
    Oh internets, you do amuse me…puny humans have so many problems…
    Want to know my problem?
    As a female, I am never at a loss for sexpartners, men will literally stalk me and chase me down to get it, and since I started charging men money for sex, I am never without an overflowing abundance of both sex AND money. But I feel really guilty for having all the things so easily in life that other people cry over, and sometimes at the end of the day I’m too tired from all the sex to count my cash. And once a month all this gross blood comes shooting out of me for a week, so that’s a real hassle, but in exchange for all the money and sex (the sex isn’t really a perk if I have to have it with disgusting men and they’re all disgusting) that I can get so easily because I’m female, I guess it’s not too bad of a tradeoff.
    Being a woman fucking RAWWWWWWWWWWWKS! (except for all the whiny bullshit from pathetic horny men that I have to constantly deal with, but since I have to take the bullshit, you better believe I take advantage of the perk$).
    Now YOU buy my coffee, little man! Buy my coffee and my dinner and pay my rent and LIKE IT, and shut your goddam little whiny bitchmouth!!!
    Seriously, women need to get paid, because dealing with stupid bullshit from whiny horny men is a FULL-TIME JOB. You’d let a sucker buy you dinner once in awhile too if you had to spend all day, everyday, fending off ridiculous sexual advances (sorry “dates”, it’s all the same BS) from stupid whiny d-bags like yourself.

  4. healthy relationship tips July 24, 2013 at 1:15 am #

    Relationships must be given enough time by both couple so that it can grow, flourished, and last a lifetime. Couple should fixed problems right away so that it will not blow into heated arguments. Nice tip I read today

  5. teddy August 28, 2013 at 10:07 am #

    Us women are out there! Check out my website for secrets and tips!

  6. Anonymous October 21, 2013 at 9:08 am #

    Make your day WOW! http://www.wowcouple.com

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