Decoding Women

Read between the lines, hombre

In the online dating arena, men and women sometimes speak two different languages. Guys, if they’re smart, mask their profile from any appearance of just wanting to shag a lady, which in many cases is their primary intention. In so doing, they will also, if they’re smart, shove into the digital closet such male faux pas as indicating the anatomical proportions of their ideal female, or the many colorful expressions of what they would like to do to her, in some cases particular to their boat-floating preferences (“bend her in half,” Dirty Sanchez, etc.).

Ladies, on average, are more discreet than the average guy, and thus better at pulling off profiles devoid if superficial, materialistic, and judgmental swings of the dating cudgel. But if you pay careful attention, a small batch of codes emerges. It is the female signal to the male of what she really wants from her Cupid. Here are the 3 most common female codewords:

1. Successful = $$$. This one is pretty direct, but if you analyze it you’ll see the subtlety. It’s the ideal way of saying you have money without saying it. Instead, you deploy a positive adjective used to describe a high degree of effort rewarded. It may be a little aggressive, but its social approval is beyond reproach. Who doesn’t strive toward success? Still, because it’s a bit controversial for an ice-breaking dating profile, only a minority of girls from across the spectrum will dare insert it for all to see.
2. Ambitious = High earning potential (HEP), leadership material. This is arguably the most common code word a guy will encounter in a girl’s profile. You are likely to see this especially prominently featured on a career girl’s profile. Most common female professions associated with the metatag “Ambition”: Law, medicine, sales, PR, graphic design. Basically, most “alpha” females will expect this in a mate, save for a minority of hipster professionals on OkCupid.
3. Driven = You might not be alpha-ambitious, but you’re definitely trying. Account executives, financiers, MBAs, and various corporate climbers are likely to request this one. I find this one to be most annoying. It sounds like a cover letter cliché and should have no place in dating. If someone ever asks me if I’m driven, I will tell them: “In a jalopy chauffeured by my dad.”

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